10 years and 10 Kgs...!!
It's about last 10 years and 10 Kgs I have gained in past 10 years. From 50 to 60. Round figure. And if I continue to gain at this rate, my figure will soon be round. I was 57-58 before 3 months. Probably I have consumed extra aamras (mango pulp) this season. Or may be due to extreme heat in the climate in the past couple of months, my body water is evaporated, so I look same from outside but my density in increased and so is weight (Bad PJ). I can wait for 2-3 months more and check the progress/regress in the digital weighing machine (You get difference in grams here. So exciting..!!).
I was just thinking how I am changed in these 10 years. If you look at every individual day, life seems to be the same. But when you take a holistic view of a decade, picture seems quite different. From giving interviews to taking interviews; from a sophomore to a mother of a nursery going kid, from open to love interests to sealed hard; many things have changed.
So I was comparing which is better? Me before 10 years? Me today? Me after 10 years?
Me before 10 years: I was innocent (don't laugh..!!). I was unclear. There were so many roads and so many choices. And then, I wanted things to settle down. I wanted to get placement. I wanted someone with whom I can be committed. I wanted to score high. I wanted to explore happening places in the city. I could talk to stars. I could support friends. Friends were close and open to chat.
Me today: There are not just 10 Kgs I have gained. There are more. Things are settled. I have a safe job. I am committed. I am a mother. Friends are far and you only get close when you open whats app. And sometimes life seems boring. Even writing this sentence seems like doing an honest confession because I am supposed to behave as I am happy. I am not sad. In fact, there are very less fear factors. The fat consumed by this trouble-free thinking is brand new in the anxiety list. Sometimes the idea of going to the unknown zone enthrals me and I envy me before 10 years. I ride on the same road everyday. It doesn't change and this monotony sometimes suffocates me.
But do I really want to go back and be the way I was before 10 years?
Yes and No.
If it removes post C-section tiers on my stomach – Yes
If it means removal of memory of motherhood – No
If it is about keep learning new things – Yes
If it is about fear of job security – No
If it is about flux of love – Yes
If it is about taking the other person for granted – No.
Confusing.
No doubt me before 10 years was good. I had more options. I had more choices. But that stage had its own concerned areas. Uncertainty was occupying my mind. Today I am free. Free from concerns. Occupied in different areas, busy like hell. Still I can now focus on things which actually make difference to me. I might be vulnerable earlier. But immunity comes through vulnerability. I have become careful while making moves and this maturity has developed with time.
I still talk to stars (If windows are closed and curtains are covered, I talk to radium stars on my ceiling). I still have zeal to know new things, to read more books, to write my heart out and I will have to keep it alive.
So the idea is to learn from the past and live with the blast. Books and writing keeps me alive. It's kind of meditation to me. My thoughts are my companion. They are with me everywhere (and sub-ordinates look at me standing in the office balcony thinking, that too without Tea/Coffee/Smoking and think what this creepy lady staring on roads aimlessly is going to evaluate us for? :-D ).
Me after 10 years: I don't know where I would be. What I know is I need to learn to keep myself alive. Present is the time to start investing in something that charges me the most. The road which was giving me the monotonous and suffocating feeling, suddenly started to seem as a formation of building blocks. These blocks were put as per the design and could form a road. My blocks were also getting arranged as per the design. What was necessary at what point in time was arranged properly. Still falling into places. I have faith. It will take me forward.
I was just thinking how I am changed in these 10 years. If you look at every individual day, life seems to be the same. But when you take a holistic view of a decade, picture seems quite different. From giving interviews to taking interviews; from a sophomore to a mother of a nursery going kid, from open to love interests to sealed hard; many things have changed.
So I was comparing which is better? Me before 10 years? Me today? Me after 10 years?
Me before 10 years: I was innocent (don't laugh..!!). I was unclear. There were so many roads and so many choices. And then, I wanted things to settle down. I wanted to get placement. I wanted someone with whom I can be committed. I wanted to score high. I wanted to explore happening places in the city. I could talk to stars. I could support friends. Friends were close and open to chat.
Me today: There are not just 10 Kgs I have gained. There are more. Things are settled. I have a safe job. I am committed. I am a mother. Friends are far and you only get close when you open whats app. And sometimes life seems boring. Even writing this sentence seems like doing an honest confession because I am supposed to behave as I am happy. I am not sad. In fact, there are very less fear factors. The fat consumed by this trouble-free thinking is brand new in the anxiety list. Sometimes the idea of going to the unknown zone enthrals me and I envy me before 10 years. I ride on the same road everyday. It doesn't change and this monotony sometimes suffocates me.
But do I really want to go back and be the way I was before 10 years?
Yes and No.
If it removes post C-section tiers on my stomach – Yes
If it means removal of memory of motherhood – No
If it is about keep learning new things – Yes
If it is about fear of job security – No
If it is about flux of love – Yes
If it is about taking the other person for granted – No.
Confusing.
No doubt me before 10 years was good. I had more options. I had more choices. But that stage had its own concerned areas. Uncertainty was occupying my mind. Today I am free. Free from concerns. Occupied in different areas, busy like hell. Still I can now focus on things which actually make difference to me. I might be vulnerable earlier. But immunity comes through vulnerability. I have become careful while making moves and this maturity has developed with time.
I still talk to stars (If windows are closed and curtains are covered, I talk to radium stars on my ceiling). I still have zeal to know new things, to read more books, to write my heart out and I will have to keep it alive.
So the idea is to learn from the past and live with the blast. Books and writing keeps me alive. It's kind of meditation to me. My thoughts are my companion. They are with me everywhere (and sub-ordinates look at me standing in the office balcony thinking, that too without Tea/Coffee/Smoking and think what this creepy lady staring on roads aimlessly is going to evaluate us for? :-D ).
Me after 10 years: I don't know where I would be. What I know is I need to learn to keep myself alive. Present is the time to start investing in something that charges me the most. The road which was giving me the monotonous and suffocating feeling, suddenly started to seem as a formation of building blocks. These blocks were put as per the design and could form a road. My blocks were also getting arranged as per the design. What was necessary at what point in time was arranged properly. Still falling into places. I have faith. It will take me forward.
Comments